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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Coffee break: Why my fridge quit talking to me recently ...

I received a post from some outfit called AVAAZ, about "talking fridges," and couldn't resist responding:

Hey, AVAAZ fella, my fridge talks to me already!

It nags me, and it bores me:
Fridge: You didn’t defrost me all winter! You’ve never cared. You only heat the kitchen enough to keep the pipes from freezing. You’re cheap - and I’m lonely.

Me: You deserve to be lonely. Look, you’re a .3 x .2 x .2 cubic metre cold storage box sitting on a counter. For seven months of the year, I don’t even need you. I could replace you at Canadian Tire, assuming they still make cheap, lonely, neurotic models like you, for maybe CDN$100 or less.

My big worry, if you die, is that I may have to settle for a bigger, better fridge - that costs more and can’t just sit on my counter. That’s the problem, these days ...

Fridge (crying): You’re so cruel!

Me: The truth is, when guests come I just store the extra stuff in the back porch. It’s usually about the same temperature as you, and it is about 200 times as big as you. And it never needs defrosting, ever.

And in hot weather, we either eat salads or – when guests come - just order takeout, to avoid heating the house.

And, Fridge, please understand me, if you WON’T get out of my face, well, … there are worse places for a fridge to be than your side of the kitchen counter.

I understand there is a mine somewhere in Michigan, under contract to The City of Toronto, where … you decide, okay?


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